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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29199150">get away from my best friend (i'm actually in love with you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirbanana/pseuds/kirbanana'>kirbanana</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>dumb and dumber (they're in love with each other) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Armin is a good Bro, Canon Universe, Eren and Jean are really dense, Eren constantly embarrasses himself in front of Jean, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Romantic Comedy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:42:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29199150</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirbanana/pseuds/kirbanana</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger's in love with Jean Kirschstein, but Jean Kirschstein's always hanging around Armin Arlert. </p><p>All's fair in love and war, and it surely wouldn't hurt to try and get between Jean and Armin, would it? Most people think he's just being protective of Armin, as usual.</p><p>He definitely doesn't make a fool of himself in front of his crush and his best friend. (Not at all.)</p><p>Erejean is endgame!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager, Side Levi Ackerman/Armin Arlert, Side Mikasa Ackerman/Sasha Blouse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>dumb and dumber (they're in love with each other) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>113</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>get away from my best friend (i'm actually in love with you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eren Jaeger is in love with Jean Kirchstein.</p><p>He doesn’t say anything about it, because a) he has too much pride, how could he even bring up something <em> like that</em>, and b) Jean happens to <em> be in love with his best friend</em>.</p><p>Well, Jean has never explicitly mentioned point B, and Armin has never mentioned anything about being together with Jean… but as far as Eren observes, they’re disgustingly close. It’s like they’re joined together at the hip, absolutely inseparable. They spar together, pick each other as training partners, sit next to each other at mealtimes, playfully shove at each other, pick leaves out of each other’s hair, go to briefings together – it’s like he’s watching scenes from that slightly duboius romance book Eren found in the library and threw out of the window, because it was all <em> mushy </em> and <em> gross </em> and he definitely, <em> totally</em>, does <em> not </em>want to do any of those things with Jean.</p><p>(He runs to the fluffy green bush outside to pick the book back up, and stows it away under his pillow carefully.)</p><p>Thankfully, they don’t seem to be dating <em> yet</em>, and that means he still has a chance. Anything Eren wants, he will get, with superhuman levels of stubbornness and unlimited energy levels. All’s fair in love and war isn’t it, and now that he’s stuck in both? It’s time to take some serious action.</p><p>While Shadis drones on about some strategy in the background, he scribbles furiously with his pencil on a piece of scraggly spare parchment, with headings written in big font and underlined, in messy handwriting (He doesn't have Armin's perfect handwriting).<em> Operation Kill all Titans. Operation Romance Jean Kirchstein. </em>Proceeding to the next line, he pauses, and scratches his head. What now? He’s listed out his goals and objectives, which is great, but he has no idea how to begin achieving them, which is… admittedly, not so great.</p><p>Chewing away at the wood on his already stunted pencil, he stares at the headers, and the briefing he’s in fades to a blank - until he hears Shadis’ voice crashing right through his reverie. The other cadets turned their heads to stare at him.</p><p>“Eren Jaeger! What exactly do you think you’re doing, scribbling away rubbish when you’re supposed to be listening to my briefing? You want to die at the hands of a Titan just because you were fucking daydreaming in class?”</p><p><em> It’s not exactly the right time to be distracted, but Shadis really has a very bright head </em> , Eren thinks. <em> Especially in contrast to his sunken eyes and rings of dark eye circles. </em></p><p>From beneath him, Sasha draws a potato out of her pocket, and breaks away a piece before offering it to him. In Sasha’s language, this translates into – <em> good luck, you’ll probably be punished tonight, and forced to have no dinner. Have a consolation prize, which is this potato that has been sitting in my coat for a week. </em>That's mildly comforting, somehow. It's more helpful than Mikasa glaring daggers at him from his side anyway, clearly thinking that it’s his own damn fault. He crumples his piece of parchment nervously, as Shadis starts walking over to him. Thinking about his operations in the middle of class is a pretty terrible idea in hindsight, though he’s never been one of the world’s greatest thinkers anyway. He knows and admits that, at least.</p><p>Armin pats him on the back gently, big blue eyes staring at him with a look that's a mixture of pity and you-totally-did-this-to-yourself. On Armin’s left, Jean stands up, smirking smugly.</p><p>“What’s that in your hand, Eren? Writing sobby love letters in the middle of class? At least I put these ears to good use,” he teases as he wiggles his ears with his fingers, before tugging on Armin’s arm. “Help me get that parchment, ‘Min. I wanna see who Eren’s writing about. Or what lame things are in his head.”</p><p>Armin sighs.</p><p>Eren’s so envious of the way Jean initiates physical contacts with Armin so effortlessly.</p><p>Jean elicits no further response from Armin, who honestly looks pretty done.</p><p>“Fine, I’ll do it myself,” he says, and leans across Armin to snatch the piece of parchment from Eren. Eren’s attention, which was originally on their linkedarms, snaps back to the yellowed bit of paper. He would never live it down if Jean saw it, and that was definitely not the way <em> Operation Romance Jean Kirchstein </em>was supposed to go.</p><p>Quick reflexes saves him a lifetime of shame, as he pulls it out of Jean’s reach, who scrambles behind past Armin to grapple for it. Jean’s hand barely scratches the back of Eren’s own. Eren shoves at him lightly, holding his hand up high in the air.</p><p>Shadis seems to have had enough of all this shenanigans, and is striding towards them to fish the parchment out.</p><p>Both Shadis and Jean are taller than him. Holding it up isn’t going to last forever. He would be lucky if he even managed 5 minutes.</p><p>In a last ditch moment, Eren <em> shoves the paper in his mouth </em> , chews once or twice in an attempt to make it more palatable, and <em> swallows. </em></p><p>A moment of stunned silence ensues, before everyone in the hall bursts into laughter, except Shadis. Connie has tears in the corners of his eyes from the hilarity of it all, as he bangs his fist against the table. Sasha drops her potato as she breaks out into a grin. Armin has the back of his hand pressed to his mouth, shaking in a fit of silent giggles.</p><p>Jean Kirchstein, the asshole, laughs the loudest, wheezing for breath. </p><p>Somehow, it makes his heart skip a beat. <em>He’s</em> the one making Jean laugh, not Armin, even if he did have to embarrass himself in front of the entire 104th squad to earn that reaction.</p><p>The smiles disappear from their faces when it’s announced that both Jean and Eren get punishments separately, and no rations for that night. Eren opens his mouth to argue, <em> why do they have to do the punishments separately</em>, before Shadis seemingly reads his mind and shouts that he gets a splitting headache every time Eren is remotely near Jean, and he <em>cannot</em> stomach his rations if he has to hear another fight between them. He throws his hands up in despair, and exclaims that everyone is so damn sick of the Jean and Eren show every day. From Connie’s little smirk covered by his hands, or Annie’s slight upturn of her lips, Eren can tell that Shadis is the only one sick of it. Everyone else clearly thinks it’s endless entertainment.  </p><p>Eren crosses his arms and sulks. If he can just spend a few hours with Jean, any kind of punishments are absolutely welcome.</p><p>The briefing is over, and they shuffle their way down the shallow steps, out of the creaky wooden door. The narrow corridor smells like moth balls and old wood, and of course only two people can fit – so they walk in pairs – and <em> of course </em> Jean and Armin are again, side by side, chattering animatedly about the ocean or walls knows what. Eren usually loves to hear his best friend light up as he talks about the desert, the glaciers, the vast lands beyond the walls, but when he searches his heart today, he only finds irritation. He envies Armin. What exactly is so good about Armin, anyway? He’s intelligent, far more than the rest of them, cute, with sweet cerulean eyes, soft fair hair… A kind personality, gentle, caring, tender… Okay, maybe Armin <em> is </em> better than him. It doesn’t mean anything. Maybe Jean loves angry, titan hating boys.</p><p>For some reason, that doesn’t really sound like Jean. He did want to work for the Military Police, after all.</p><p>He shakes his head. Mikasa glances at him, from his side. She always has this knowing look on her face and it drives Eren up the wall sometimes trying to figure out her thoughts behind her hazy grey eyes.</p><p>Thinking isn’t his thing. <em> Doing </em>is his thing.</p><p>He just has to start solving this Jean and Armin problem, by <em> doing something</em>. Easy.</p><p>Striding quickly towards the front, he forces himself in between them in a very unsubtle manner. Jean crashes against the side of the corridor wall, his shoulder bumping against the teak in a loud ‘thud’. The sound draws everyone’s eyes for the second time that day. Armin stops his monologue abruptly, and stares at Eren, trying to figure out what exactly was he doing. Unfazed by all the gazes, he stands there resolutely, like a giant human wall in between Jean and Armin.</p><p><em> I’m doing good, </em> Eren thinks. <em> 1-0 to me, Armin. </em></p><p>All of a sudden, his train of thought derails and crashes into the great beyond.</p><p>
  <em> Shit, I’m so close to Jean. Is this what Armin feels like every day? I’m practically pressed up against him. He feels really warm, and smells good, too. Not like rations, no, but like pine forests, and delicious crisp bread toasted over the fire. A rare scene, and an even rarer commodity. </em>
</p><p>“What the hell, Jaeger?” Jean complains, rubbing his shoulder with his other hand. His face is slightly flushed, red creeping up over his neck. He’s someone that gets red easily, especially when he’s irritated. “What was that for?”</p><p>He leans in slightly closer to Eren.</p><p>“Jealous?”</p><p>
  <em> Yes. </em>
</p><p>“No!”</p><p>
  <em> Yes, I am so jealous. </em>
</p><p>The denial reverberates in the small corridor.</p><p>Jean leans back.</p><p>“Why are you so protective of Armin? Why do you even get so jealous when people hang out with him? He’s your best friend, I get that, but why won’t you even let other people into your world? It’s always just Armin, Mikasa, Armin, Mikasa, and when he has another friend, you get so upset and all! He’s not yours, he never said he was! It’s a ridiculous thing to be jealous about!”</p><p>“It’s not like that!” Eren bites back, and grips Jean’s jacket angrily. His fingers brush against Jean’s heart over his clothes.</p><p>It beats just as strongly as his own.</p><p>He wishes that it beats for him.</p><p>He also wishes that he could press his face right there, and listen to that rhythm for the rest of his life, Jean’s strong arms protecting him from the cruel world they lived in.</p><p>
  <em> I’m envious of Armin, not you, you idiot. I’m so jealous of my best friend, though I shouldn’t be – he deserves love more than I do – and I hate feeling so selfish. I’ve been jealous since we were kids, and he was so much smarter than I was. I’ve been jealous when I lost all my remaining family, and he at least had his grandfather for a little while more. Most of all, I’m now jealous that he holds the heart of the man I love. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m a bad best friend. </em>
</p><p>The heat all seeps out of him through his tightly clenched knuckles, and he sags, looking a little more defeated. He feels Jean start to tense up beneath his fists.</p><p>“It’s not like that.” He repeats, deflated, quietly, forehead edging dangerously close to Jean’s chest.</p><p>He shoves at Jean weakly, and stalks off, leaving Jean absolutely bewildered. Even Mikasa and Armin look slightly surprised – Eren’s unpredictable as a person in general, but he isn’t the kind to back down from any fight and walk off looking like he had lost his horse outside the walls. After a few seconds of awkward pauses, where other cadets shrug at the sudden cancellation of the entertainment, Armin and Mikasa run after Eren – while Jean scratches his head in confusion, staring at them as they leave the corridor hurriedly.</p><p>They find Eren behind a bush, hugging his knees, looking like he’s 10 all over again, frightened, scared, and it’s not a look they’re used to seeing on him, not since the year 845. Not from fearless Eren, unafraid of anything, fueled by waves of anger, passion and vengeance.</p><p>Mikasa takes off her scarf and wraps it around his neck. He waves it away halfheartedly, knowing that Mikasa’s comforting him in her own way – but also slightly annoyed that she’s still coddling him, as usual, in a manner that suggested none of them had grown up. Of course, that’s not true. They all grew up – in fact – a little faster than they had to, because they live in a world where they're nothing more than livestock.</p><p>He loses the small scuffle with the scarf. Mikasa’s much stronger than he is, and she firmly ties a neat knot.</p><p>Armin puts his hand on the small of his back, gingerly, as if afraid to approach him, and his hesitant gaze burns through Eren. He worries that Armin sees right through him for the shitty person he is. Armin has a comtemplative and sad look on his face, as if he thinks that his words might end up hurting Eren, no matter how much they make sense. They probably will. Eren pulls away ever so slightly as if Armin’s touch burns. He’s not at all ready to talk with Armin. It’s only years of friendship that keeps him there, in between the both of them.</p><p>Armin isn’t the kind to hold back on his words though, at least not with his two closest friends. He does it relatively gently, though.</p><p>“Eren, you don’t have to be so protective of Mikasa and I, you know?”</p><p>Armin’s so absorbed in his words that he doesn’t realise Eren’s eyebrows go up in surprise.</p><p>He was so sure that Armin would have saw through his feelings for Jean, and tell him off for being selfish – or worse – not be together with Jean so that Eren can have him. He doesn’t need Armin’s <em> pity </em>.</p><p>He’s certainly not expecting Armin to think that he stood in between him and Jean out of sheer protectiveness.</p><p>“Mikasa and I appreciate your protectiveness, we really do. You’ve given us shelter since we were 10, and you’ve always protected us no matter how much it hurts you, and we know that. We aren’t going to leave you, because we always know that you care so much for us as a friend. You’re loyal to a fault, you’re kind even if you’re a little prickly on the outside, and you treat us so well,” Armin pauses, for a little while, and his hand adds a little more pressure to Eren’s back.</p><p>
  <em> Oh, Armin, you always think I’m so kind, even though half an hour ago I was so jealous of you. I can never bear it when you always see the best in everyone. You wouldn’t say that if you can read my mind. </em>
</p><p>“… Despite that, you have to know our world isn’t just our little group of three, anymore. We both want you to expand your horizons a little, now that Mikasa and I are a little older and we can take care of ourselves. Jean’s my friend, and Le- what I’m trying to say is, we love you, but we also rely on and care for our other fellow soldiers. Jean’s a sweet person, and he’s a really good friend to me – which is why I hope you’ll give him a chance, and get to know him better. He’s not someone that I need to be protected from, and I think you know you can trust my judgment, yeah? Right, Mikasa?”</p><p>“I don’t know so much about Levi – “ she begins, and Armin blushes furiously as Eren continues staring moodily at his knees.</p><p>“Though I can agree Jean isn’t so bad. He’s a little daft and an asshole on the outside, but he’s a good person. Especially after what happened with Marco.”</p><p>They pause, as they wait for Eren to process their words and respond.</p><p>
  <em> The exact problem right now is that Jean isn’t bad at all. In fact, he’s so attractive that I’ve stooped to the level of trying to steal him from my best friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> At the very least, Armin didn’t say that Jean and him were together. Armin said that they’re just friends – and that means I deserve one last shot, don’t I? One last chance, to try my best, to prove to Jean that I would make an amazing boyfriend, and if it doesn’t work out, I will give Armin his blessings, and be an absolutely supportive best friend. It just doesn’t feel right to not even try. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I won’t be betraying my best friend, not really. They’re not together, and Jean isn’t just an object for me to push into Armin’s arms. We both have a fair chance, and we both deserve a right to try. </em>
</p><p>With that, Eren rubs at his eyes. He didn’t realise how tiring hiding behind a bush and being absolutely sullen could be, but he feels exhausted and ready for a quick cold shower before sloppy dinners and bed.</p><p>Mikasa and Armin visibly relax at Eren’s actions, before they tackle him affectionately and they simultaneously tumble onto the grass. Armin grabs Eren around the neck, pulling him into a tight embrace, while Mikasa ruffles his hair and clings to his arm. They lay like that for a while, staring up at the slowly darkening blue skies, as Armin pointed out an odd cloud and said that it looked like an elephant, whatever that word even means, really.</p><p>Mikasa points at another weirdly shaped one. “That looks like the chicken we ate on New Years.” Eren and Armin automatically sighed contentedly when they thought about New Years’ dinner. Soldiers could rarely afford good food, and most of their meals consisted of gruel, wheat, oat, and vegetables. Meat was a rare commodity, not to mention meat that was marinated in salt and pepper. Eren had pretended that he didn’t like chicken that much, and shoved half of his food onto Jean’s plate by arguing that ‘only horses eat the yucky trough food’, which was enough to convince Jean to gobble it all up and smack his lips annoyingly in Eren’s face. (Those lips looked more delicious than the chicken.)</p><p>“I was the one who stole one third of Sasha’s meat that day,” Mikasa continues, deadpan, as if she was talking about something as mundane as the weather. Two seconds of stunned silence elapse, before both Eren and Armin register what she just said. Armin leans over and uses the tail of the scarf to smack Mikasa’s face, who deflects it without even glancing sideways. “That’s not very nice, Mikasa! Especially when you know how much Sasha loves meat! Everyone thought it was Connie!”</p><p>She shrugs. “It’s interesting to watch when she’s flustered.”</p><p>Not sure what to respond, Eren lies back down, while Armin nestles a little closer to his shoulder, linking their arms together. He absently wonders if Jean has ever thought that Armin and him were together. Or anyone else, for that matter. They are really close, after all, and he spends so much time thinking about Jean and Armin that he forgets how much platonic physical intimacy him and Armin share as well.</p><p>The pale, sweet boy then points at the one that looks like a horse galloping across the heavens amongst pale stars in the twilight, and says “That one’s Jean.”</p><p>Eren actually catches himself laughing, despite the very tiny bit of resentment in his heart from Armin saying Jean’s name so easily like he’s his lover.</p><p>***</p><p>One last shot turns into many last shots.</p><p>The concept of ‘giving up’ is positively foreign to someone like Eren Jaeger.</p><p>Even without his adamant personality playing a major part, the thought of his Jean holding anyone else, Armin especially, makes his heart hurt in ways he never thought it could.</p><p>He starts having a habit of staying awake, hearing Armin snoring softly in the bunk above, waiting to see if Jean would crawl into his best friend’s bed when everyone’s asleep. It never happened, and he wastes many full nights peering at Jean’s platinum hair from two beds over, peeking out from under the sheets. Some of these nights, he takes out that stupid book from below his pillow, now having multiple dog-eared pages, and plays the scene over in his head, imagination running wild despite not knowing some of the words.</p><p>
  <em> He stands at the bottom of a high, high, wall, not unlike Wall Sina. Jean sits perched at the top of the greying concrete, swinging his legs against the outer surface in a regular rhythm. His silvery purple hair shines by the grace of the moonlight, and the top few buttons on his shirt are untucked, showing a sliver of sinewy muscles. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> With his gear, he swings his way up, and balances himself on the nook in the wall a short way down from his prince, waiting at the top. He hopes he looks suave and handsome hanging with one hand gripping the wire. The prince who smirks a million dollar smile, pearly whites dazzling Eren’s emerald eyes, waves his hand casually in the air, and says, “Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say “Ay,”, and I will take thy word.” He looks so disdainful, so nonchalant, and that spurs Eren on further to garner his fancy. The harder Jean is to get, the more excited Eren is. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Jean, my prince, by yonder blessed moon I vow, that tips with silver all these high walls –“ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “O, swear not by the moon, th’ inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jean runs a hand through his beautifully soft hair, and the way he toys with Eren’s feelings coyly makes him so frustrated, so eager, so needy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “What shall I swear by?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He would swear by anything. Titans could overrun the world, and he would elope with Jean. All the fury he has accumulated over the years suddenly feels a million miles away, until he kind of forgets why he’s so belligerent in the first place. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Do not swear at all. Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and I’ll believe thee.” </em>
</p><p>In real life, Eren stumbles over the word ‘idolatry’, which interrupts his train of thoughts. As he thinks about asking Armin what it means tomorrow morning, a particularly lord snore from Reiner sends him flinching and scrambling to hide the book back under his worn out pillow. He doesn’t think he could possibly stand the embarrassment if anyone finds out about his soft and emotional side.</p><p>During the days, he tries his best to catch Jean’s attention the only way he knows how. He’s not good at romancing like the main character from the book nestled under his head every night, and Jean pays him the most attention only when he’s yelling at him. That’s when those bright golden eyes are focused on him and him only. He wants that, though even he recognises that arguing probably isn’t the best way to go about trying to win someone’s heart. Why does this have to be so difficult?</p><p>It doesn’t help that Armin and Jean are still just as close, despite his best efforts at interference.</p><p>Every available moment, he’s trying to squeeze himself between Armin and Jean.</p><p>Over lunch, when Jean comes over to their table (he’s being doing so more frequently ever since Marco… left.), he sidles his way harshly between Jean and Armin, leaving Mikasa sitting alone on the other side. She doesn’t look unhappy about it, just slightly puzzled as to why Eren is so insistent and protective of Armin. The latter, considerate and sweet as always, stands up, and shifts over to Mikasa’s side of the table. The smallest bit of guilt wells up in Eren, but he reminds himself again that all is fair in love and war, and Jean isn’t Armin’s property.</p><p>Armin dishes some food onto her plate lovingly, nagging at her to eat more, and reassuring her that he doesn’t need that much sustenance compared to the strongest of their batch. He also doles out a small portion of carrots onto Eren’s plate, before Levi appears at their table, calling Armin away for a strategic meeting that they are supposed to attend. Hurriedly, he finishes the rest of his food and tails Levi out of the canteen area, hands gesturing wildly while Levi has his everyday expression of disinterest marked all over his face.</p><p>Eren decides to mimic what Armin just did, and dishes the broccoli from his plate onto Jean’s plate. Again, it’s his favourite part of this meal in particular, but he doesn’t know how to actually express love other than these sneaky and dubious actions, so he does it. Mikasa gives him a <em> look </em> before she leaves their table to steal Sasha’s potatoes. Why does she always have to be so mysterious? Understanding what her <em> looks </em> mean isn’t exactly easy to Eren.</p><p>Jean stares down at his plate, dumbfounded, apparently at a loss for words.</p><p><em> Nice job, me, </em> Eren’s inner voice says to himself. <em> Jean’s so touched, he doesn’t even have anything to say! He’s going to hug me any second now. Maybe he’ll pick up the broccoli with his fork, feed it to me, and bashfully look away with faint scarlet dotting his sharp cheeks as he whispers, “No, Eren, you eat, be good, I’ll feed you… Open your mouth…” </em></p><p>His daydreaming stops short, as Jean looks at him.</p><p>
  <em> Any time now. </em>
</p><p>“What the fuck, Eren? Giving me the vegetables you don’t like just because both Armin and Mikasa aren’t here to eat your leftovers?”</p><p>He picks up the fork, stabs the broccoli angrily, and shoves it in Eren’s face.</p><p>“Don’t be such a baby, eat your damn vegetables!” Jean snarls, and forces the broccoli inside his mouth.</p><p>
  <em> Well, this was certainly not how he imagined the feeding to be like. Why did his fantasy turn out like this? It was meant to be an abashed Jean, maybe even using his fingers to pick up the food, sitting on his lap, asking him if the food’s delicious… Eren bites half of it, before he gingerly pushes Jean’s hand back… Tells him to have some too… Jean eats the remainder and licks the sauce off his own fingers… That’s practically i-i-indirect kissing… </em>
</p><p>Real life Jean was nowhere near as gentle. He seemed an inch away from shoving it right into Eren’s face, with no consideration for precision.</p><p>“No, you fucking eat the vegetables, you horse face! Vegetables are for horses!” Eren yells back in defense (and perhaps a last ditch effort to get Jean to actually eat the damn green stuff and not waste the best parts of the meal).</p><p>Eren Jaeger’s not exactly known for thinking before he does anything. He picks it off the fork, and smashes it right against Jean’s lips. “It’s for you!” He manages to say. “Just shut up and be grateful!”</p><p>“Haven’t you heard of the dumb saying that a good horse never eats twice from a grass patch that’s been touched by someone else? I don’t want your leftovers!” Jean yells, as he wipes the mess on his face off with the back of his hand, licks the last bit of sauce on his lips off, and shoves his half eaten plate at Eren. “Eat this, if you like leftovers so much!”</p><p>“Fine!”</p><p>Eren picks up the fork that’s now lying on the ground, and eats, staring angrily at the food. Everyone else looks on in surprise, as he actually listens to Jean, and eats up the remainder of Jean’s meal, shovelling spoonfuls quickly into his mouth in a grumpy manner. Even Sasha tears away her eyes from her potatoes for a few seconds, which is a moment Mikasa chooses to take advantage of.  </p><p>Jean looks flabbergasted as Eren polishes the plate clean.</p><p>
  <em> By the walls, I don’t even think I’ve seen Armin eat Jean’s leftovers before. Here I am. I’m eating off his plate, and it’s as if I’m kissing him really indirectly. Really really really indirectly, through layers of grain and vegetables, but a kiss nonetheless. </em>
</p><p>He slams the plate back on the table when he’s done.</p><p>“How about that, Kirschstein?” Eren teases. He <em> is </em>feeling a little bold today. Well, he’s bold everyday, but that’s besides the point.</p><p>Jean’s face is flushed red.</p><p>Eren can’t exactly read the expression – but it’s probably from sheer astonishment and slight annoyance that Eren one-upped him in front of everyone.</p><p>The twenty seconds or so that elapses in silence is enough for most of the dining hall to rapidly become disinterested, and the usual chatter from other cadets picks up its old pace easily. Most of the eyes around turn back onto their own food, with a few looking towards Sasha, who is close to tears and pointing her finger accusingly at Mikasa.</p><p>Jean stays quiet for a little while more, before he mumbles quietly under his breath.</p><p>“Do – do you want to – partner up for the short scouting expedition tomorrow? The one to the outer pockets of villages in Wall Rose?”</p><p>“With you?”</p><p>“No shit, Jaeger! Ugh, forget that I asked!” Jean picks up the plates and utensils, including Eren’s, before he stands up, clambers over the bench gracefully, and walks towards the tray return area. Eren’s stunned for a second, before he scrambles after Jean, knocking his knee painfully on the table in the process.</p><p>
  <em> Jean wants to pair up with me? For the expedition? It’s supposed to be overnight, with only my chosen partner, and we watch each others’ backs the whole night. I was about to ask Mikasa – but Jean – </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jean asked me to go with him. He’s choosing me, over Armin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Spending an entire night with only each other. </em>
</p><p>Eren’s brain starts to overload, with fantasies of him and Jean. The expedition would be a perfect chance to salvage the multiple messes he’s made over the past few days, and maybe even get some progress… Perhaps they would be sharing each other’s warmth over some intimacy under the cold autumn sky, cuddling up for warmth… He could lean in to kiss Jean and pretend that it was all an accident… Their hands would brush against each other when they pack up the resources… They could share a horse if one of their horses got lost…</p><p>He doesn’t notice that Jean’s stopped walking, and crashes right into Jean’s back.</p><p>“Why are you following me to the toilets?”</p><p><em> Shit. </em>Eren was so lost in his thoughts that he fails to realise that he was just tagging blindly after Jean from the canteen to the toilets, and had crashed in a really embarrassing manner right into his back.</p><p>“I mean – I wanted to ask – Why? Why did you ask me to partner up with you for the expedition? What – what about Armin? Or Mikasa, actually, I assumed I would be partnering up with her…”</p><p>“Levi wants him staying in base, so he doesn’t need a partner. They have some tactical discussion to be doing, apparently. Didn’t you hear? Mikasa’s partnering with Annie. A terrifying combination, actually. She wanted to ask Sasha, but Sasha agreed to go with Connie. Which is also why I don’t have a partner,” Jean says as he shrugs his shoulders, looking pointedly at a pail of water in the corner instead of at Eren. His hand goes up to a strand of his short ashy fringe, and he fidgets with it. He seems nervous, probably regretting asking Eren at all.</p><p>Eren can’t help but think how cute he looks when he’s nervous.</p><p>He’s so distracted he forgets to be angry that Mikasa thought about asking <em> Sasha </em> before even asking him, her <em> brother </em> . At least he has the decency to <em> think </em>about asking her before throwing that idea out of the window once Jean opens his mouth.</p><p>He’s not distracted enough to forget that Armin was probably his first choice of partner, though. It sounds to him as if the only reason why they aren’t going together and canoodling under the stars is because Levi needed Armin’s intelligence to participate in their long and dreadful strategical meetings.</p><p>
  <em> Thank you, Captain Levi. You were always my idol, but you really outdid yourself this time without even meaning to. </em>
</p><p>“So? Are you going with me or not? If you don’t want to, just say it right now, don’t lead me on.”</p><p>
  <em> Lead him on? What does that even mean? </em>
</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Walls, Eren, how thick are you? … Just don’t keep me hanging so that you can brag to everyone that I asked you to go to the expedition with me and you turned me down…” Jean says quietly. His voice even sounds a little <em> hurt </em>, and he’s still looking at the same pail of water.</p><p>“I wouldn’t do that!” Eren exclaimed indignantly. “Why would you even think I would do something like that?”</p><p>“I don’t know, because you want to show off to Armin that you’ve got a lot of friends and everyone wants to spend time with you? Who knows what goes on in that dense skull of yours!” Jean’s starting to raise his voice, the previous sadness starting to evolve into a head of steam.</p><p>“Why would you think I want to show off to Armin? Why would I want to do that?” Eren yells back, genuinely surprised.</p><p>“I don’t know! Maybe you just wanted to one-up me in front of everyone, so you’re not answering my question! You don’t want to go with me, but you’re pretending to think about it! Just tell me, for fucks sake!”</p><p>It’s becoming a full-blown shouting match.</p><p>The entrance to the toilet rustles slightly, and Eren sees a hint of Connie’s bald head through the slightly ajar door, along with Bertholdt’s enormous boots. Jean notices it too, and he walks into a cubicle before slamming the door.</p><p>Eren doesn’t care what the rest of the cadets hear, though. He wants to go with Jean. Even if he’s not Jean’s first choice, he still wants to go. He wants to spend a night in nothing but Jean’s presence, even if it’s <em> fleeting </em> and <em> temporary </em>.</p><p>Banging on the door, he says loudly, “I’ll see you tomorrow at 7 in the morning! Don’t be late, or I’m going without you!” His hands press softly against the cubicle door, lingering there for a while, as he imagines Jean’s expression behind the barrier between them – he hopes it’s the same starstruck smile and lovesick gaze he can feel on his own features.</p><p>Eren doesn’t sleep a wink that night. Jean’s sleeping in the bunk above him, instead of his best friend – Armin had bumped into Connie in the hallway, before telling Connie to help him pass along the message that he had to have an overnight meeting with Levi in the library, with regards to allocation of resources, or something along those lines. As the 104th cadets go, Connie is even less bright than Eren, and he forgets most of the details Armin had mentioned. He passes the message along to Jean, who then passes it along to Eren.</p><p>Despite the argument in the toilet that ended on a somewhat unpleasant note, he meets Jean in the barracks at night before the lights are out. He’s acting surprisingly friendly, if not a little formal, clearly trying to avoid any more conflict before their expedition.</p><p>When he’s stripped of the abrasive attitude, he’s a little awkward and shy, Eren notes. His eyebrows are not knit as tightly into their usual frown, and his smile becomes more genuine, filled with warmth, rather than the usual lopsided smirk tinted in layers of arrogance. It’s an <em> amazing </em>look on him. It’s not like snarky asshole Kirschstein isn’t attractive, but he enjoys seeing Jean’s true personality filter through from beneath the tough claws.</p><p>If Jean wants to play nice, Eren can do that too. </p><p>“Hey, Kirschstein,” Eren starts.</p><p>“Hmm?” the other boy replies, as he’s sealing up the letters he always pens to his mother.</p><p>“Armin’s not going to be here tonight, do you want to sleep in the upper bunk?”</p><p>Jean looks up from where he’s sitting, sharp shadows accentuating his features from the dim oil lamps. He doesn’t look angry, or even irritated, just surprised, with one eyebrow slightly raised.</p><p>“J-just – “ Eren doesn’t get to finish his sentence, before Jean responds.</p><p>“Alright, Eren.”</p><p>His answer is so simple and short that Eren loves the way it rolls off his tongue. That was one of the things he really liked about Jean. He was just as straightforward and outspoken as Eren was, without the need to complicate things or twist words around corners. Eren loves Armin, but he has a tendency to use too many words in one sentence.</p><p>Jean snuffs out the candle with a gentle breath, folds up his blanket neatly, grabs his pillow deftly with one hand, and walks over to Eren. With one foot on the rung, he pauses, looking contemplative, and leans downwards to flick Eren on the nose playfully with his index finger.</p><p>“Just don’t wake me up in the middle of the night pining for your best friend. It’s Jean Kirschstein here, not Armin Arlert.”</p><p>Eren’s glad that it’s too dark for Jean to see the blush on his cheeks.</p><p>As Jean climbs up and falls into a deep sleep, his arm hangs over the edge of the upper bunk.</p><p>Eren’s relatively sure that Jean is asleep, and that emboldens him. He tentatively reaches out, and brushes his own fingertips against Jean’s calloused ones. Eren squints in the dark to look closer at his hand. It’s covered in nicks, scars, cuts, and the skin is patchy and rough – but who in the Survey Corps wouldn’t have hands like this? One couldn’t avoid broken bodies and disfigured skins in a job like this. He still finds Jean’s hand beautiful, with long and slender fingers in a relaxed position, and he wants so <em> desperately </em> to know how his own would feel interlaced in between.</p><p>Before he knows it, the sun starts to rise on the horizon, pale morning glow reflecting on the window panes of their room, and Jean shuffles awake.</p><p>***</p><p>The morning begins with the usual sounds of ruffling of blankets, packing, and chattering by the rest of the cadets. Eren hears the sound of Jean clambering down the rungs from the top bunk, and closes his eyes, pretending to be asleep in a moment of panic. It was too awkward to say anything like ‘good morning’ to Kirschstein, of all people.</p><p>Unexpectedly, Jean yanks the blanket off him.</p><p>“Wake up, Jaeger! Wasn’t someone yelling at me not to be late yesterday?” He throws the blanket back at Eren’s face, who opens his eyes blearily and hopes it’s convincing enough that it seems as if he really had just woken up instead of staying up the entire night. Strangely, he doesn’t feel tired at all, just a buzzing sense of excitement and readiness for the day to start.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I’m getting up. Goddamnit, Kirschstein.”</p><p>When they meet in the main concourse space for the short briefing for the expedition, he finds that Mikasa is already there, standing next to Annie. Both of them seem to have nothing to say to each other – they’re staring right in front with their usual intimidating expressions, arms crossed. Reiner’s talking in low tones with Bertholdt as usual, the taller having bent down his head slightly to listen. Sasha’s pulling at Connie’s huge ears, while Connie’s pretending to be a monkey, hopping around. He’s been obsessed with the idea of monkeys ever since Armin told him they existed. Personally, Eren thinks he likes sharks better. </p><p>Jean’s standing next to him all this while, and the easygoing attitude they had the previous night seems to vanish with the dawn. The awkwardness returns far too quickly, and Eren finds himself fidgeting with the buckle on his 3DMG gear as he listens to Erwin talk on the stage in front of them. The taller boy also seems slightly tense next to him, for some reason. Just like that, they stayed quiet from the concourse, to the stables, to getting on their horse, to getting out of the walls, to Eren breathing his first breath of relatively fresher air.</p><p>The villages don’t have a lot of things the inner walls have, and it’s littered with debris and carnage, but the air here smells much fresher compared to the a factory-like smell in the top districts. Wall Sina and Wall Rose were always so filled with people that it somehow became suffocating and congested, while these small villages now only see the occasional scout wandering by on horse, or a member of the garrison looking for resources. Eren wouldn’t say he feels happy, but he does feel a little better away from the central districts.</p><p>They break away from the rest of the Scouts, leaving Jean and Eren to travel by horse to a small outpost past a long green field, where there would be a cabin waiting for them, hopefully with resources. Small purple tipped WHITE flowers wave in the gentle breeze, and the wind in his face absolutely lifts Eren’s spirits. With a smile on his face, he turns to Jean, and shouts over the draught.</p><p>“Race you to the outpost!”</p><p>It’s so childish.</p><p>Then again, they’re just 18. It’s now or never to be young at heart.</p><p>By the next day, they could be packed away in a simple wooden box, returned to the districts, where Eren has no family waiting for him anymore. Perhaps, today would be their last day, and they’ll never see the districts again. He doesn’t think he’s lucky enough to have much time left on this world, so he wants to treasure every silly or happy moment he can get.</p><p><em> It’s a beautiful day out with Jean, </em>he thinks, and that is all he need.</p><p>“Race? You’re thinking about racing me to the destination? So childish,” Jean drawls, looking unamused. “And…”</p><p>Eren waits.</p><p>“And I’m definitely going to beat you!” His face lights up in an arrogant smirk, as he pushes his horse into a sudden gallop, and tugs Eren’s arm as he overtakes him.</p><p>
  <em> He’s tugging on my heartstrings, too. </em>
</p><p>The physical contact was almost electrifying.</p><p>“Hey, that’s cheating!” Eren shouts. “You have to wait for me to start!” He’s not sure if Jean hears him over the distance, until Jean raises one hand in an obscene gesture, the other hand still pulling hard on the reins. Eren laughs happily, and puts on speed to chase after Jean.</p><p>By the time they get to the outpost, the sun is a pale pink and orange, leaning down to kiss the horizon. The little cabin itself sits near the edge of a forest, in a small clearing, sheltered by trees taller than their buildings. Eren’s bending over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath, while Jean still has a haughty look on his face. He won the stupid race.</p><p>“So, Jaeger. I won. What now? Do I get all the rations? What’s the prize?” Jean pokes his shoulder.</p><p>“No prize. None. Zero.”</p><p>“What? That’s not fair, I won, I deserve a prize!” Jean protests.</p><p>“You cheated!”</p><p>“No, I didn’t!”</p><p>“Yes, you did! What kind of prize would you even want anyway?”</p><p>Jean pauses.</p><p>That hesitation makes Eren’s heart creep into his throat.</p><p>On one hand, he’s waiting for Jean to say something romantic. He’s imagining Jean stride towards him, in clear firm steps, all <em> authoritative </em> and <em> striking </em>. In his head, Jean’s pulling him close, cupping his face, before leaning down and whispering in his ear, “You. That’s the prize I’m waiting for.” He would then take Eren’s lips, biting down gently on the lower lip, hands on Eren’s waist, grip so tight it hurts a little. The idea of Jean being so domineering and confident makes Eren’s heart stop. Jean is tall, handsome, with beautifully broad shoulders, and Eren wants to bury his face in the nook between his neck and his sharp collarbone.</p><p>On the other hand, he’s a little afraid that Jean might say something completely different. His mind spirals into the possibility of Jean sitting down next to him, looking at the trees with a blush on his face, asking Eren if he could give him and Armin their blessing to be together, or if Eren could help bring them together. It’s not a good thought, and he doesn’t realise his face grimacing in real life.</p><p>“Eren?”</p><p>Jean’s voice snaps him back to reality.</p><p>“I mean – I – I was just kidding,” He laughs nervously. “I was going to ask for your rations, but I wasn’t actually going to take it or anything like that!”</p><p><em> Ah, so that’s all that would have come out of it. Rations. Who does he think he is, Sasha? </em>Eren’s grimace deepens a little, though he doesn’t mean to, not really.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Jean asks awkwardly, shoving his hands into his pants pockets. He’s not usually this concerned about Eren, but he looks so soft and gentle that Eren’s heart melts, and the corner of his lips can’t help but curve up in a weak smile.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m good,” Eren replies with a faint breathy laughter, “I was just a little distracted.”</p><p>Relief floods the other boy’s face.</p><p>“Well, guess you’re just a sore loser then!” Eren earns an elbow to his side, and he shoves back teasingly at Jean. “If you’re not happy about the outcome, we can race again tomorrow, back to the district. Maybe we’ll just race to see who finishes the rations first, really, because I’m not really sure if we can make it until tomorrow.”</p><p>He’s playful and he’s laughing, but Eren knows that deep down, Jean’s a little frightened. Everyone is. Even he is, under his tough and brash façade. Anyone who joins the Survey Corps knows there’s a 50% chance they’ll die before they’re 25. He didn’t exactly have a say in joining the Survey Corps, but Jean did. Jean could have gone to the Military Regiment, but he’s still here next to him in the damp grass even if he’s afraid. He loves Jean for that.</p><p>It would be stupid to try and reassure him, since any kind of comforting words are unrealistic in this cruel, <em> cruel </em>world, but Eren wants to try anyway.</p><p>Impulse carries him forward, and he grasps Jean’s wrist.</p><p>Jean flinches slightly, but he doesn’t move.</p><p>“We’re going to make it to tomorrow. Then we’ll have our race. Don’t say things like that.”</p><p>“You don’t know that for sure,” Jean smiles in a forced manner. “Why’re you suddenly getting so sentimental? I was just joking!”</p><p>The more he plays it off, the more upset Eren gets. Jean always has such a tendency to pretend to be the clown of the class, the arrogant and competent guy that’s never scared. Eren knows, because he acts like that too, and part of him detests having to hide his fear and his uncertainties. </p><p>“I’ll protect you. No matter what. I promise.”</p><p>He means it. It’s the first time he’s saying anything remotely romantic to Jean, and he regrets it the moment the words spill out of his lips. It sounds ridiculous even to his own ears, and besides, Jean doesn’t <em> need </em>Eren’s protection. Jean’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself with the 3DM gear, maybe even better than Eren at it. (Not that Eren would ever admit something like that.)</p><p>It’s true though. He does want to protect Jean. He would give his life to save that stupid, stupid boy, with the shitty attitude and the gentle personality beneath it.</p><p>“Don’t say things you don’t mean, not like that.” Jean’s gaze hardens. His amber eyes glint fiercely, and Eren thinks frantically if he’s said something wrong. He doesn’t know, and he can’t tell what Jean’s thinking. He wants to know so badly. He’s even more confused, when Jean pulls his wrist away, and runs his hands through his hair in a distracted manner. What did he do wrong?</p><p>“Anyway, I’ve heard you can’t even control your titan powers. How are you going to protect me?” He laughs, not unkindly. Eren doesn’t take very well to it. Couldn’t Jean see that he was <em> trying </em>?</p><p>“Why do you have to be such an asshole all the time?” he snarls vehemently.</p><p>“What about you, Jaeger? You’re hot and cold all the time, I have no idea what you’re thinking! Don’t say things like you’ll protect me, when you’re always getting upset that I’m hanging around Armin! Don’t tell me lies like that! Don’t get my hopes up!” Jean huffs. “I’m going to go unpack our rations and set up camp,” he says coldly, before he walks away.</p><p>Eren doesn’t get it at all.</p><p>
  <em> Get his hopes up? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Is Jean hoping that I will protect him? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Well, he did say that humanity’s banking on me, and that I had to make the lives lost worthwhile. Maybe that’s what he means. That he can’t stand it if the Scouts gave their lives to protect me, while I’m just making big and bold promises about protecting him and the world when I can’t even manage my own powers. Jean joined the Survey Corps because he felt like there was a chance of actually saving humanity, and he doesn’t want his life, or anyone else’s, being thrown away to my ‘lies’ and ‘false hope’. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t talking about protecting the world, though I do want to do that… I was just talking about protecting you. </em>
</p><p>Eren thinks he knows why Jean’s angry now, though. He understands how foolish promises can be, if they’re not sincere. It’s like that fateful day Hannes said he would save Carla Jaeger, but he didn’t. He lied, and Eren hates lies just as much as Jean did. Both of them are people who are so overly honest to a point that it becomes tactless and brunt at times. Lies are mostly for the weak.</p><p>He would be really upset if someone else with the <em> chance </em> of saving humanity makes a promise they can’t keep, too.</p><p>He needs to apologise to Jean, or at least explain that he meant every single word that he said.</p><p>Powers or no powers, he would do<em> anything </em> to protect Jean Kirschstein.</p><p>He walks into the nearly empty cabin, ready to mediate the argument between them - and he finds Jean sitting in front of their packs and an old looking back of grain in the corner. His hands look busy, but his gaze is empty, staring into the middle of nowhere. Eren can see Jean flinching slightly when he enters the room, and his hands pretend to be even busier than before. </p><p>The boy with the sea green eyes crouches down next to Jean, and picks at the grains aimlessly, too. </p><p>“I’m sorry -” they both say at the same time. </p><p>“You can go first,” Eren says quietly. </p><p>Jean gazes at him for a second, a little surprised.</p><p>“I said a lot of things I didn’t mean, I - I was a little carried away by my emotions. I hope you know that I never meant to say such things.”</p><p>“That makes two of us,” Eren jokes. Jean chuckles.</p><p>“Yeah, anyway, it doesn’t justify the things I said, or my shitty behaviour. I guess for a second, I couldn’t believe that you would want to protect as worthless as me. I mean, I clearly didn’t do anything to deserve it. You know how I don’t really like dishonesty? I don’t really see the point in lying, or being manipulative, or hiding the truth, for whatever reason. That makes me wary of promises, and my heart just keeps telling me that you don’t mean what you say.”</p><p>Eren has so many things he wants to say, so many rebuttals because he <em> absolutely meant what he said </em> but he lets Jean continue.</p><p>“Then I thought about it, and I don’t think you were lying when you said you’re going to protect me no matter what. It’s not that I’m special, it’s that you have a hero complex, and it’s in your nature to protect every single person you’ve come across. Especially after what happened with your mother…” Jean hiccoughs a little. “After that, I considered for a little while that maybe, just maybe, that protection extended to nearly everyone except for me. That’s a little scary, because I thought we were somewhat friends. Acquaintances, at least. I don’t know what I was thinking, Eren, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get carried away…” </p><p>Jean looks more broken than Eren has ever seen him. Behind his usual brash attitude is just a scared 18 year old caught in the middle of war, having given up his ticket to a cushy lifestyle in the inner walls. Eren’s torn between leaning over to hug him and kiss his forehead, or to stay where he is. He chooses the latter, and he looks down at Jean’s boots, instead. He doesn’t know where his usual bucketful of courage has gone, but he finds himself frozen in the spot. </p><p>
  <em> Armin would be much better in this scenario. He would know exactly what to do. Since when have I done the right thing when it comes to feelings? </em>
</p><p>Jean moves first. He gently reaches out, and brushes a strand of dark brown hair behind Eren’s ear. </p><p>“Eren, I - I’m sorry, you must be so confused by what I’m saying.”</p><p>His hand emanates warmth in the cold. It’s nearly winter, after all. </p><p>It’s a little bittersweet. Jean’s fingers feel so good brushing against his ear, but they’re shaking and Eren’s scared, because he’s never seen him this vulnerable before, and it hits at his heart, somehow. </p><p>Instinctively, his own hand reaches up to brush against Jean’s arm, silently keeping Jean there. Jean makes no move to pull away. That’s the only way they seem to know how to communicate. Every time they open their mouths, it seems to end in people getting hurt. </p><p>“I wasn’t lying to you, Jean,” Eren murmurs. </p><p>“I know now,” Jean says back, his voice just as subdued. </p><p>They’re half shrouded in the darkness, with the lightest of touches and Eren can feel Jean so, so <em> close </em> to him. Their faces are inches apart, but Eren doesn’t think about angry touches, rough kisses or needy grips on each other. All that exists in this moment is this e <em> motionally charged intimacy </em> between them, and Eren simply wants to cradle Jean close and let him know he has a home in this messy, angry, broken, heart. The urge to dot tender kisses over Jean’s stricken face is overwhelmingly strong, so strong that he feels himself subconsciously moving closer.</p><p>Jean looks downwards, and his shoulders seem to slump. </p><p>“I know you’d still protect me, even if I’m worthless. I’m selfish, you know me. And nowhere near as brave as you are.” </p><p>“I’ve never thought that’s true.” </p><p>“It is, though.” </p><p>He can no longer see the expression on Jean’s face, but the taller boy rubs at his face roughly with the back of his hand, and pulls away, before he stands up. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says curtly. </p><p>Jean’s not exactly back to normal, but the vulnerability has all but vanished from his face. </p><p>Somehow, the moment between them was broken, and carried away along with the wind. Eren’s not stupid, he <em> felt </em> something, and he <em> knew </em>there was a moment between them. What he doesn’t know is why it ended. All that’s left is their usual barrier of tenseness, and he wants to burst into tears out of frustration. Is it because of Armin? Did he say something wrong? He doesn’t know, and he hates not knowing. </p><p>He wants to pull Jean back and ask, but the other boy determinedly does not look at him. </p><p>They make a fire to warm themselves up. Chew on their dry rations. Drink water. Make small talk about the stupidest things that Eren doesn’t care about. His mind keeps on pondering why the situation deteriorated so fast, until he simply gives perfunctory replies to whatever Jean’s saying. Jean gives up on talking, and they both stare at the fire moodily.</p><p>“I’m going to bed.” </p><p>“Yeah, okay. Good night, Jean.”</p><p>“Good night, Jaeger.”</p><p>The use of his last name hurts. He wanted to hear his name in that sweet, soft voice from a mere few minutes ago. He doesn’t like seeing Jean vulnerable and broken, but he at least wants to see the genuine boy behind the hubristic facade that he puts up. It’s like they were friends, then - then - then a little more than friends, intimate enough to give it a go at being <em> lovers </em> , then now they’re <em> strangers </em>, which is worse than square one. </p><p>He tries not to cry. </p><p>He’s been through titans, he’s been through watching his mother get eaten, he’s been through a lot more than this and he’s a really tenacious person, so he doesn’t know why his eyes are starting to well up in tears.</p><p>It’s a long while before he calms down, and enters the cabin to unroll his sleeping mat. There’s no luxury of beds in outposts, and he has to sleep on the cold hard mat till dawn. It’s not like he really has the energy to think about their sleeping conditions though, as he takes off his cloak and drapes it over the sleeping Jean. He’s not angry enough at Jean to not care about him, just hurt and confused - which, in his opinion, was worse than being angry. </p><p>He thinks to himself that he won’t be able to sleep again tonight, but the tiredness from emotions overtakes him and the crusty old wall in front of him fades into black. </p><p>***</p><p>When he wakes up, Jean is already packing up his resources, and strapping them onto their horses. He notes with a pang that his Survey Corps cloak is draped over himself. </p><p>
  <em> Does Jean really want to push me away that much, that he doesn’t even want my cloak? It’s not like I was trying to be a creep, I just wanted him to stay warm.  </em>
</p><p>As much as he wants to be angry, it doesn’t come. Recently, he’s been a lot more sad than angry, and it’s definitely not his style. He doesn’t want it to be like this. Anger is so much easier, when he can just turn all that pent up negativity into titan fodder. The sadness continued to linger at the back of his head and gnaw at the centre of his heart, no matter how much he tried to think about something else. When he rips titans from limb to limb, the anger finds its way out very quickly, as if they’re seeping out from his fists. The sadness instead, made him feel like he would never want to fight a titan again. </p><p>“Morning, Jaeger.”</p><p>“Morning, Jean,” Eren responds. </p><p>
  <em> No matter how hurt I am, I can’t seem to call him by Kirschstein anymore. I keep finding myself wanting to say his name.  </em>
</p><p>“I packed your stuff onto your horse as well. We should leave soon, if we want to get back by the appointed timing.” </p><p>Eren simply nods. </p><p>They reach on time, just a little after Annie and Mikasa. The rest continue to stream in back to the concourse, everyone in high spirits and ready for their lunches and training. Eren tries to be as happy as the rest of them, even taking the initiative to fool around with Sasha and Connie. He doesn’t quite make it though, and Mikasa’s questioning gaze is enough evidence  that he’s doing absolutely abysmally at pretending to be okay. </p><p>He thinks to himself, he’ll talk to Mikasa tonight, and tells her to meet him at midnight by Training Grounds 1 the next time they’re in close proximity to each other. Mikasa says nothing, and wraps her scarf around him again. This time, he doesn’t find it annoying. It makes him feel a lot less lonely. </p><p>Armin comes out of Levi’s room as they walk over to the mess hall for lunch. His hair looks tousled, and he looks tired and happy all at the same time. Eren briefly considers asking him along to the talk he’s planned with Mikasa, since it’s not quite right to leave him out - but he’s too hurt about Jean to give that very thought any more consideration. </p><p>The blonde sits at their table as usual, and gives a big yawn. </p><p>Eren’s trying not to be too bitter, especially as Jean leans over and pokes at Armin. </p><p>“What has the Captain been doing to you? You look awful. And happy, at the same time.”</p><p>Armin blushes. </p><p>Eren wonders if it’s because Jean’s teasing him.</p><p>“Oh, it’s nothing, just a lot of late nights, but we did come up with some really good long term plans for the scouts, so I guess staying in base really went great! I heard you and Eren paired up, how was it?” </p><p>Jean freezes for a second, and Eren’s thinking about that <em> moment </em>again. The hand on his ear. The way Jean had let all his walls down. He wishes that Jean’s thinking about that moment too, but the impossibility of it makes him hurt even more. </p><p>Kirschstein recovers quickly, though.</p><p>“Just, you know, the usual, Jaeger losing to me in a race, arguments, stuff like that!” </p><p>Eren doesn’t even respond to the jibe. </p><p>Armin and Mikasa share a worried glance. </p><p>Neither of them respond, and the awkward silence extends to eternity as Jean starts eating wordlessly as well. Eren’s so fucking tired of it being uncomfortable all the time, but he doesn’t even know how to begin to be friends with Jean again, not to mention a relationship, which he knew to be unlikely.</p><p>He creeps out when the clock strikes midnight. In his rush to meet Mikasa, he doesn’t realise that neither Armin or Jean are in their bunks. </p><p>On his way to the training grounds, Eren stumbles past the mess hall, now completely enveloped in darkness, not even an oil lamp lit up. He doesn’t think much about it, until he sees two figures sitting on the top of the roof. A taller boy with ashy and pale lavender hair, next to someone with long blonde locks glimmering by the moonlight. </p><p>He can recognise them anywhere.</p><p>One’s his best friend, the other’s the guy he loves. </p><p>He feels like he wants to keel over and vomit right there, but he somehow stays rooted to the ground and watches, a little bit like a creep. Part of him wishes he’s close enough to hear their conversation, and the other part never wants to see them again. </p><p>Armin leans over, holding one hand to Jean’s ear, as if telling him a secret. He pulls back after the secret is done, and he’s smiling, happier than Eren’s ever seen him. His best friend looked as if he was seeing the ocean for the very first time. </p><p>Jean gestures, and he’s saying something. He seems animated and excited at the start, but it tones down slightly, and Eren’s not sure what’s going on. </p><p>He sees Jean rubbing at his face, still making a few small gestures with his hand, and his heart stops as Armin leans over to wrap his arms around Jean. Here he was, thinking that grazing Jean’s arms was <em> intimate </em> and he was <em> lucky </em> and that there were <em> feelings involved between them, </em> while Armin easily threw his arms around Jean’s broad shoulders, just like <em> that </em> . He has been so unbelievably <em> stupid </em> and <em> naive </em>, just like the all the times he thought he could save the world from the titans, before the people he cared about got crushed between large, yellowing teeth.</p><p>He’s always been like this, anyway. An absolute idiot. </p><p>He feels like he’s watching his friends or maybe even his mother get eaten, all over again. Stunned, unable to move, shaking in so much pain that he feels like he’s drowning in it. Slowly suffocating. </p><p>Armin reaches up to ruffle Jean’s hair.</p><p>
  <em> I can’t watch this anymore, I just can’t.  </em>
</p><p>Somehow, his feet start moving, and he runs, blinded by tears, towards the training ground where the only person he felt like would care about him was left. </p><p>Mikasa was there, alone, waiting for him, still dressed in her white shirt and brown pants. </p><p>“Mikasa,” he pleads, as he barrels into her and hugs her tightly. He wishes for a second, that Carla and Grisha were here, so that he can have his little family around him as he sobs his heart out. He thinks he wants Armin here, too, because their family just isn’t complete without him. Armin wouldn’t be remotely condescending about it. He would be so horribly understanding and gentle that Eren might crumble from guilt. </p><p>“Mikasa, w-w-what do I do, I’m such a bad person, I hate being in love, I fucking hate it, my heart feels like it’s in pieces and I want to rip it out but I <em> can’t </em>and - “ his rambling turns into incoherent words and full blown sobbing on her shoulder, staining her shirt with his tears. </p><p>“Eren……” He hears the sadness in her voice too, as she holds him. He buries her face in the crook of her neck, and holds her tight around the waist. Her fingers through his hair pick up a slow rhythm, and it’s comforting. “Is this about Jean?” </p><p>
  <em>She knows, then. She can tell who I'm in love with, and how he's broken my heart without even meaning to.</em>
</p><p>“I hate it, I hate him, I love him, I love him so much, fucking Jean Kirschstein,” Eren half-yells. </p><p>His grip on her arm tightens, and he can’t seem to stop bawling in front of her. The sobs wrack through his body, and he feels so out of control it’s as if he’ll never find himself again. </p><p>The first time he transformed into a titan, he, too, felt his world spiralling rapidly out of control, and he has never told anyone how frightened he actually was, trapped in the nape of a 15m tall titan and having to punch his way out of the mess. He was absolutely terrified, feeling so <em>alone </em> as his friends looked up at him with a mixture of fear and fury. That was before they knew who he was. Even so, some people still look terrified around him, or give him furtive glances from far, gaze lined with fear and apprehension. At least that story had a relatively happy ending, since he’s got powers that he’s slowly getting used to. Powers that can turn this war around. People being afraid of him is a small enough price to pay for the salvation of humanity.</p><p>This story doesn’t have a fairytale ending. Jean’s not his Juliet. Armin was always his Romeo.</p><p>“I’ll beat up that horseface if I have to, I’ll get back at him for you, Eren,” Mikasa reassures him. </p><p>“It’s not even his fault, ‘Kasa, I was just so <em> stupid, </em> ” Eren whispers. The adrenaline can’t last forever, and he’s burning himself out. The angry sobs become fatigue and soft tears, accompanied by the feeling of his heart <em> aching so much it will never heal </em>. </p><p>“I - I tried to get between him and Armin - and -” Eren gasps a little, while she rubs soothing circles on his back, “and I’m just so tired, I thought we had a chance. He was so soft to me yesterday, joking around with me, brushing my hair b-b-behind my ear and I thought we had something, but I just read the signs wrongly, w-w-we didn’t even <em>hold hands </em>or <em>kiss </em>and we just touched our arms and I still thought that I had a chance and I really <em>like him </em>and I thought we could be lovers and I thought that I could destroy all the titans and <em>nothing I</em> <em>think or hope for ever comes true</em> and -”</p><p>Mikasa interrupts him. “Jean…….. and Armin?” </p><p>“Y-y-yeah I - I saw them, I saw them and it <em> hurt </em>so much, I thought I was going to die.” He looks up at her. “I can’t even force Jean to choose me instead, Armin is so good, and I just somehow wish it - it wasn’t my best friend and the man I love, you know?” </p><p>“Are you sure they’re… together? Is it just a misunderstanding?” </p><p>“They’re literally around each other all the time, I saw them <em> hugging </em> on the rooftop furtively, and the only reason Jean paired up with me for the expedition was because Armin had to stay in base! I don’t even mind being the 2nd option at all, at least I could have a chance, but now I realise I was never even a <em> contender </em>.”</p><p>Eren’s tired. So exhausted. All the hurt feelings didn’t disappear, but they were throbbing numbly now instead of manifesting in raging fire, and he finds himself slumped against Mikasa’s shoulder. He has a sudden thought of wanting to just sleep it all off under the beautiful night sky next to his sister, even if it’s practically freezing outside. He burnt out his energy pretty quickly, and the heated rant is now simmering into a mellow melancholy. </p><p>“If you love someone, you should do something you won’t regret. At least tell them. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life thinking what could have been, or not getting any closure.”</p><p>“I-it’s easy to say.”</p><p>“Not that difficult to do,” Mikasa replies evenly, looking up at the stars. </p><p>“How would you know?” </p><p>“I did it.” </p><p>Usually, Eren would sit up in curiosity, and pester his sister all day long, asking her who this mystery person was. Today, though, he doesn’t feel that curious. In fact, he doesn’t feel curious about anything anymore. Who cares what’s outside the walls, really? Who cares how their lives will end? His life is short, miserable, and <em> empty </em>. </p><p>It’s not that he’s going to stop fighting for humanity, or do anything stupid, he just feels like he wants to stop existing for a week or so before he even begins to attempt some kind of recovery. </p><p>It’s awkward to not reply, though. He tries to steady his own breathing and calm down before he says anything.</p><p>“Who?” he says, not really interested in the answer.</p><p>“Sasha.”</p><p>“Ah.” A few seconds pass by, and he absently notices a firefly buzz by. “Isn’t she together  with Connie?”</p><p>“I thought so, too, but I couldn’t let that go without at least telling her that I love her. I needed to tell her that I like seeing her flustered, I want to give her all my potatoes, I like her stupid optimism and her stupid positivity and her stupid obsession with food, so I just kissed her. I just did it, and I don’t regret it.” </p><p>“You’re really brave, Mikasa. And people think <em> I’m </em>the fearless one.”</p><p>She pulls her scarf up to her nose.</p><p>“She told me she wasn’t with Connie at all. They’re just best friends. And… She kissed me back. The rest is history. I mean, even if she said she liked Connie, I don’t think I would have regretted it. It’s nice to kiss the person you like, at least once. We might die any day. Best to live with no regrets.”</p><p>Her mouth is covered by her scarf, but her eyes twinkle in a way that suggests she’s smiling. </p><p>Eren ponders this. He’s not surprised, but he doesn’t think he can feel much other than sadness, anyway. </p><p>“I’m happy for you,” he says sincerely. “I know I don’t look it right now, and I’m an absolute  mess, but I mean it. I really am.” He pauses. "And I'm sorry you had to join the Corps because I'm reckless."</p><p>Mikasa gives his hand a warm squeeze.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>She looks at him so warmly, he feels like he might melt like butter. It reminds him of safer days, when all he had to worry about was dropping the wood he chopped, or dirtying the laundry while hanging them to try. "If I didn't join the Corps, I wouldn't have met her. Other than that... We're family. No one gets left behind."</p><p>Eren takes a little while to work out his next question. He's still not that much in the mood for talking, after he's just ranted all his pain in the form of messy words, but there's something he thinks he wants to know.</p><p>“What did it feel like? K-k-kissing her?” </p><p>“Hmm... Good. She tasted like potatoes, and bread. It wasn’t really so much about the taste, though, it was the - the feeling of her lips on mine, her hands on my hips, her cute little sighs and smiles against my cheek. It was warm. Kind of feels like I had another purpose in life now, other than just family. Another person to live for.” </p><p>“I wish I had that kind of courage to kiss Jean. At least once,” he articulates, as he tries to stop himself from falling too deep into fantasies that can never come true. Hope's a pretty painful thing. “I want to know how his lips taste like. Are they soft? Are they rough? Is he gentle? Would he be nervous? So many questions in this entire universe I can ask, and I want to know such stupid things. Maybe he prefers boys that actually want to know about the ocean, the glaciers, the deserts. Not someone like me so simpleminded.”</p><p>“It’s not a bad thing to be simpleminded. Armin thinks a little too much, sometimes. Sasha’s simple too, and look how happy she is. Look how happy she makes me.” </p><p>“I wish he had your taste.” </p><p>Neither of them speak for a while, and he finds himself falling asleep. He doesn’t think he can, but crying is surprisingly exhausting. It feels as if he was poisoned, but the toxins are working their way out of his system, leaving him wrecked and frail.</p><p>“So what are you going to do?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I think - I think I’ll start doing right by Armin. I should be happy for them. Should have given them my blessings from the beginning. I want to try that, and then… then just let time wash my wounds away. They’re quite good for each other, really. I should have seen that from the start… then I wouldn’t have gotten stupidly hurt…” He nods off.</p><p>Mikasa picks him up in her strong arms, and carries him back to the dorm. </p><p>***</p><p>The next morning, Jean and Eren are assigned to clean the horse stables together. He really doesn’t want to do it, and considers to call in sick or swap with Reiner or - he thinks of a million possible plans to get out of it, each more ludicrous than the last. When he woke up that morning, he made up his mind to be supportive of Armin and Jean, and move on from his feelings eventually.</p><p>Somehow, none of his plans are executed, and he’s standing next to Jean, sweeping away the hay and scrubbing the walls with a pail of water and some dirty, ragged cloth. Eren tries to focus on a particular stubborn spot of grime, ignoring the handsomely rugged boy next to him. </p><p>“Eren, we have to talk,” Jean begins. “I don’t want to have this kind of strained relationship between us forever.”</p><p>Eren curses internally. He was hoping that neither of them would have to say anything to each other until they were done cleaning the tables, then he could just leave. Why does he have to be so unlucky? </p><p>“What are you talking about? We’re fine.”</p><p>“We are <em> not </em>fine.”</p><p>
  <em> What am I supposed to say to that? Yeah, it’s really tense between us because I fell so deeply in love with you while you’re dating my best friend. I’m so sorry, I can’t just stop thinking about you with a damn snap of my fingers. By the way, it’s totally not your fault, I’m just like this because I watched my best friend hug you and actually ended up crying over it.  </em>
</p><p>“I don’t know, what are you expecting from me, Jean? You have Armin, isn’t that enough?”</p><p>“Armin and I are close, yes, but what does that have to do with the relationship between me and you? I just want to be your <em> friend </em>, is that too much to ask for?”</p><p>
  <em> Just stop. Stop talking, Jean, stop talking before I break down again. Stop hurting me by saying things like wanting to be my friend, because I don’t just want to be friends with you. I’m greedy, and I want so much more than that. And I’m sorry for being so selfish, but I’d rather be strangers than be your friend and watch you be my best friend’s boyfriend instead. I’d rather not be your friend at all than be in your friendzone, for i might never recover if I stayed there. I might never stop loving you, and you’re lucky enough to not know how awful that feels because you’re happy with someone else.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Fuck, I’m so selfish.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I promised myself that I would make an effort and do right by both Jean and Armin.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I've been this absolutely selfish best friend to Armin, and I have got to try to be friends with Jean. I would be really unhappy if I dated someone and Armin just disliked him and refused flat out to be friends with him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The thing is, Armin would never, ever, act like that to me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> No wonder Jean chose him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I was ready to give up my life for Armin, but now I can’t even try to get along with his boyfriend for his sake.  </em>
</p><p>Eren extends his hand out to Jean, who breaks out into a shy smile and grasps it firmly in his own. “We <em> are </em> friends. And I’m only doing this for Armin, so don’t get too flattered.”</p><p>Jean yanks him and pulls him into a platonic, firm, one-handed embrace.</p><p>“What the fuck, Kirschstein, this is <em> way too close, </em>you fucking weirdo! Get off me!” Eren yelps as he struggles in the tight hug. He isn’t lying, not really. It’s genuinely a little too close, and he keeps telling himself over and over again that this hug doesn’t mean anything more than friendship. It’s too intimate for his recently broken heart, too warm for the cold barriers he built up around himself, too painful for someone who’s trying to take the first step onto the path of recovery. </p><p>“You know, Marco hugged me the first time we became friends.” Jean says happily. His lips are too close to Eren’s forehead.</p><p>“Yeah, but Marco’s a touchy guy! Do you have to be so happy about us being friends?” Eren barks. </p><p>Jean pulls back, and he’s afraid that he’s been too harsh for a single second. Seeing the sheepish smile from the other boy, he relaxes a little bit, and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. </p><p>Over the rest of the cleaning session, they laugh about silly things, like Erwin’s thick eyebrows or how Bertholdt keeps losing his things. Meaningless, pointless things. It doesn’t sound like the kind of topic Armin would be interested in, but he supposes that Jean’s just talking about really dumb things to connect to Eren. He probably would attempt to sound really intelligent in front of Armin. </p><p>When he looks into his heart, he realises he’s actually happy, now. Maybe happy isn’t the right word. Contented? At peace. That’s not to say that the sadness isn’t there - it’s still at the back of his mind, draining his soul, threatening to drown him, but he’s wanted to be comfortable with Jean for a long time, and the fact that Jean and Armin were together couldn’t take this longing away from him. </p><p>Perhaps, it’s enough to be by his side, even if he’s just a friend. </p><p>It’s a little pathetic, but he’ll deal. </p><p>Later that day, Armin is mysteriously gone from training again. When Eren asks around, nobody really knows where he is. Eren’s not too worried, since it’s unlikely that he’s gone far from camp without him, Mikasa or Jean. He picks up the courage to ask Shadis, who hits the back of his head and yells that it’s none of his business, before saying that Levi was the one who pulled Armin away for important work and he doesn’t actually know much either. </p><p>It’s a little strange how Armin spends so much time with the higher ups, but he kind of gets it. Armin’s extremely gifted in the way of intelligence. It would be an absolute waste to keep him at a recruit level. Eren wouldn’t be surprised if Armin’s the one to rise through the ranks quickly, instead of him or Mikasa, despite their prodigious skill against titans (in different aspects, of course). People like him or Mikasa are like Levi - the people good for acting out the commands of people like Armin or Erwin. It’s been like that since they were 10, anyway. </p><p>Jean and Eren end up sparring together, because Armin isn’t around. </p><p>Eren’s just about had enough of whoever was controlling his fate high up in the sky, because he had already gone as far as to <em> make friends </em> despite his broken heart, and now the heavens seem to want to torture him even further. When he wanted to be paired up with Jean, they had to do separate punishments. When he wants a <em> break </em>from Jean, they find themselves stuck to each other in all sorts of situations. </p><p>Life is so unfair.</p><p>Jean’s not really fooling around this time with sparring. Anyone set up against Eren for hand-to-hand combat now knows to take it really seriously, given how he needs it more than 3DMG skills. His forehead is beaded with sweat, golden eyes narrowed at him in concentration, two-toned hair a little damp. </p><p>
  <em> It’s so unfair how gorgeous Kirschstein is.  </em>
</p><p>While Eren’s mildly distracted, Jean lunges at him, and lands a hit to Eren’s jaw. His eyes spell out that he’s sorry, but he doesn’t pull his punches. They can’t afford to. Anyone going soft now against Eren means he had to suffer more when he finally meets enemies that wouldn’t do the same. </p><p>Another punch comes flying in from his right, and Eren deflects it deftly, while bending to aim at his torso area. Jean grabs his wrist firmly, and tries to disable him, before Eren dodges again with the trick he learns from Annie, and seizes Jean by the neck. He attempts to flip him onto the ground, but Jean yanks on his collar and pulls him down. </p><p>They tumble to the ground in a tangle of limbs, and their lips crash against each other’s. </p><p>
  <em> Turns out the universe has been listening to my wish last night.  </em>
</p><p>Eren feels so dazed, for a couple of seconds. He’s lost the ability to think straight. Kissing Jean’s the single thing he wants more than anything else in the universe. </p><p>Jean’s lips are so <em> warm </em> , as is the rest of him. It’s a little dry, and it tastes like <em> butter </em> and <em> toast </em> and he wants to taste this every morning when he wakes up. It’s addictive, and his hands are so <em> needy </em> to touch more of him. He wanted to kiss down Jean’s chiseled jaw and sharp cheekbones, fisting a hand in his ashy hair. He wants Jean to kiss back, needy and hot and asking for <em> permission, </em> asking <em> him </em> for <em> permission </em> to <em> taste the inside of his mouth </em> , <em> making soft pliant noises </em> when he actually <em> allows it </em> - </p><p>
  <em> I’m kissing my best friend’s boyfriend.  </em>
</p><p>Eren pulls back sharply and pushes at Jean’s shoulders angrily. </p><p>He’s still somewhat straddling Jean, he realises as his face burns with shame, and quickly gets to his feet. </p><p>“Eren - “</p><p>“No,” he says, shaking. </p><p>“Eren, listen to me - “</p><p>“I didn’t want it. Not like this. <em> Not like this </em>.” </p><p>His hands ball up into fists, and he walks through throngs of bewildered looking people, away from the training grounds as far as his legs can carry him.</p><p>If only this happened before he found out about Jean and Armin. It would have been the best day of his life. He would have been catatonic with joy. Now, all he feels is shame and sadness. He had the best thing in the entire world for 2 seconds, and he’ll never have it again. Knowing how amazing it is to be kissing Jean Kirschstein just absolutely worsens his longing, and shatters his heart even more than yesterday. </p><p>He thought he was already at the maximum level of hurt one could take, but the universe seemed to enjoy playing with his feelings and destroying him from the inside out. </p><p>Tears well up in his eyes, and he brushes them away angrily, while striding forwards with absolutely no destination in mind. Just a kiss, a kiss that wasn’t even <em> intentional </em>is enough to make him this lost. He really doesn’t want to cry, promises himself that he won’t waste tears on Kirschstein, that he owes it to Jean and his best friend to -</p><p>He <em> thinks </em>he hears said best friend, and he realises he’s standing next to the damp library that stores all the dusty old books. (The same library he stole his book from.)</p><p>He’s so surprised that he forgets to cry, for a single second. He thinks he hears Armin, making some - some -<em> strange noises </em> from within the library. There’s a thud against the table, hard, and Eren jumps slightly. </p><p>“- Wait - Now?“ He hears Armin mew, voice a little strained. “It’s - it’s not like I don’t want this or anything - m-m-maybe we should wait until tonight - unfff -” </p><p>Another loud thud on wood, and he hears heavy breathing. </p><p>Jean was still behind him when he left the training ground - it’s impossible that he’s appeared at this library so quickly. Unless he somehow ran here. </p><p>“Armin...” </p><p>
  <em> That doesn’t sound like Jean.  </em>
</p><p>“Tell me what you want, and I’ll follow...”</p><p>Eren can almost hear his own heart thundering away. None of this was making sense, and he hopes and <em> hopes </em>what he thinks is sorely misguided. He presses his ear a little closer to the edge of the window. </p><p>“- Levi - “ Armin says, and the sound of wet, sloppy, and rushed kisses follow. </p><p>
  <em> This can’t be happening.  </em>
</p><p>He gave Jean up for his best friend, and his best friend ends up <em> cheating </em> on him? Cheating on Jean, that absolutely gorgeous and loyal man? How <em> dare </em> Armin do this. How <em> dare Levi, </em> admired Captain by many, <em> fraternize with an attached man?  </em></p><p>Rage pulses through his veins. How dare the both of them <em> treat Jean like this.  </em></p><p>His fury carries him forward, and he bursts down the door to the library. The sight before him is so <em> debauched </em> he doesn’t even want to look. Armin’s sitting on the table, mostly clothed other than his white shirt half peeled off, revealing a pale white shoulder lined with a red mark. His hair is damp, bangs clipped to the top of his head, slightly parted lips so red and <em> wet. </em>Levi’s a little sweatier than usual, one hand placed on Armin’s thigh, gripping it hard enough to leave an indentation. </p><p>Eren’s <em> disgusted </em> and <em> embarrassed </em> all at the same time. It’s so mortifying he almost forgets to be angry, though he doesn’t quite reach that point. </p><p>He glares at the both of them, trying to rein in his temper before he does something rash like hitting his own best friend.</p><p>Armin at least has the decency to pull back and look embarrassed and guilty as he frantically buttons his shirt back up, while Levi just looks at Eren with his usual unamused expression.</p><p>“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Jaeger? Can’t you see we’re a little busy? Get the fuck out before I throw you out.” Levi deadpans. It infuriates Eren to no end that he’s so calm even when he’s being a third party. </p><p>“Armin. How could you do this to Jean?” Eren questions, trying to keep his voice steady as he’s practically shaking from how <em> upset </em>he is. </p><p>“... Do <em> what, </em> exactly? Eren, I’m sorry, I don’t understand - “</p><p>“Don’t give me this bullshit! You’re <em> cheating </em> on Jean! Do you know how guilty I felt over falling in love with Jean? He’s the most <em> wonderful </em> man within these walls and you’re cheating on him with this - this - this - <em> homewrecker </em> ! You don’t even know how fucking lucky you are to have him! I fell for him and he only has eyes for you! I woke up this morning and told myself I would give you guys my blessing, and then you <em> do this </em> you - you <em> cheating purblind </em> - I always thought Jean deserves better than me, he deserves someone <em> kind </em> and <em> gentle and -” </em></p><p>“Eren, can you just listen to me for a second -” Armin looks more confused and stunned than remorseful.</p><p>“Shut up Arlert, I’m not done yet! You made your bed, you lie in it! I’m going to tell Jean about this, I don’t care if he still doesn’t love me back, he deserves to be happy, and you can’t just fool everyone with your sweet looks and your soft blond hair and - </p><p>“Seriously, Eren, you need to hear me out - “</p><p>“No! I <em> love </em> Jean, and I won’t let you treat him like this! Not even if we’ve been best friends for nearly a decade! Do you know how many nights I’ve cried because he’s together with you and not me? Do you know how I would give anything in this universe to kiss him again? And here you are, taking all these things for granted and I won’t hesitate to fight you until you go back to him and treat him like he deserves - “</p><p>Levi’s irritated. Extremely irritated. He senses it exactly one second before Levi’s by his side in a flash, quick as lightning, and grabs him in a headlock, one hand covering his mouth.</p><p>“Levi, no!” Armin yelps.</p><p>“He’ll listen to you if he knows what’s good for him,” Levi drawls effortlessly. “I won’t hurt him unless he struggles.”</p><p>Eren’s struggling to break out of the headlock and get at both of them, but Levi’s not Humanity’s Strongest for nothing. It doesn’t stop him from trying to get out of it though. Jaegers aren’t known for backing down. </p><p>“Eren, Jean and I aren’t even together. I have absolutely no idea where you got that idea from, but we’ve never been together. We’re just really good <em> platonic </em> friends, and - I’m in love with <em> someone else </em>.” </p><p>“Is that so? I wonder who...” Levi says. “Care to share with the class? I’m not sure Dumbass here gets it.” </p><p>Armin’s annoyed now, too. </p><p>“Whoever I’m in love with, it’s not Jean Kirschstein, alright?”</p><p>“You could be a little more explicit,” Levi mumbles under his breath.</p><p>“I’m not indulging you, <em> again. </em>”</p><p>“Well, you call the shots, as usual. I always let you call the shots.” </p><p>Eren’s so surprised by so many things that his brain freezes over. Jean’s not into Armin. Armin’s not into Jean. Armin’s into Levi, who isn’t actually into Petra, and is into Armin. Even more surprising, Armin calls the shots. Levi’s impossibly gentle with him, listens to him, yields to him, even if he’s the strongest warrior humanity has ever seen. Most importantly, <em> Jean and Armin aren’t together. </em></p><p>“Also, Jean’s, like, really into you,” Armin says evenly. He’s a lot more calm and collected now that he’s figured out the situation and his shirt is buttoned up neatly, so he looks like regular and studious Armin compared to somewhat domineering and … caught-in-an-awkward situation Armin. (Eren thinks privately that he never wants to see his best friend doing stuff with his Captain ever again.)</p><p>“He is? - The other day - you were hugging him on the roof -” </p><p>“That’s because we’re <em> friends, </em> Eren, and he was so unhappy about you the other day that I just offered him a hug <em> as a friend </em>, it’s not anything more than that!” </p><p>“And you’re okay with that?” Eren asks Levi incredulously.</p><p>“What can I say, I’m not an insecure bastard that doesn’t know how to communicate with the guy he likes. Armin and I have plenty of <em> communication </em>in more ways than one -” Armin nervously clamps his hand over Levi’s mouth. </p><p>“You’re not - Jean’s - Jean’s in love with -”</p><p>“No offence, Eren, but you really are kind of oblivious. And dense. You kind of need to work on your communication skills too, but so does Jean, actually.”</p><p>A few seconds pause, as Eren’s still digesting the rapid turn of events. He’s not quite sure what to do now, actually. Find Jean? Apologise to his Captain for calling him a homewrecker? Say he’s sorry to his best friend that he completely misunderstood? Talk to Mikasa and ask her for help since he’s horribly incapable of dealing with feelings? </p><p>He stands there, mouth gaping open for a while as his brain tries desperately to load. </p><p>“Are you - are you like, done here? Seriously, brat, I’ve got stuff I’d rather be doing and if Armin weren’t here I would have beat you to a pulp - “ He catches Armin’s glare, and backtracks. “What I <em> mean </em> is I would <em> never </em> want to beat you to a pulp and we’re all Pacifists now so get the hell out of my sight before I decide that I’ve changed my mind!’ </p><p>“Yes Sir, I’m sorry Sir, I-I’ll be leaving now.”</p><p>He steps backwards, out of the door that’s promptly slammed in his face. </p><p>There’s a sound of stifled laughter behind him, and his head whips aorund. </p><p>“What the fuck are you laughing at, Kirschstein!”</p><p>Stifled chuckles turns into hysterics, and Jean’s chortling so hard he’s bent over and wheezing for breath. </p><p>“That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen you do, I can’t help it, it was <em> hilarious, </em> you actually thought Armin and I were together and you had the balls to interrupt his makeout session with the Corporal!” Jean’s practically howling with laughter, his eyes welling up in tears. “You called him a <em> homewrecker, </em> wow, I’ve never felt this much secondhand embarrassment for someone else! Armin must have been so confused, he probably can’t understand this level of idiocy! What was his face like? I would pay half my salary to watch the entire scene again, and I’ll throw in the New Year’s chicken chop.”</p><p>“I’ve absolutely changed my mind about loving you, Kirschstein, you’re a dick.” </p><p>“Hey, hey…” Jean grabs his wrist and pulls him into a hug.</p><p>“I’m sorry for laughing,” he says gently, as a small chuckle escapes him. He’s clearly not very sorry. “It’s just - ” The taller boy nuzzles his face into chocolate brown hair. “It’s cute. Embarrassing, pretty fucking funny, but really cute. For your information, I love you too,” he whispers. </p><p>Eren feels his face burn, and he’s glad that Jean can’t see him blushing from his angle. He’s done enough embarrassing things for a lifetime. Instead he tackles Jean onto the grass patch playfully, and pretends to be miffed. Jean’s clearly not taking his threat seriously - he’s still smiling, wider than Eren’s ever seen, and pulls Eren down into a deep kiss.</p><p>
  <em> This is real. Jean Kirschstein’s kissing me.  </em>
</p><p>They pause for a little while, getting up to their feet, and holding hands while they look for another place to spend a couple of hours in secret.</p><p>There’s a convenient equipment closet nearby, with some older gear and used gas tanks.</p><p>Jean pulls him in, his silly and lovesick smile still plastered on his face. He turns the lock on the door.</p><p>Eren promptly forgets everything else in the world as Jean presses him up against the timber wall needily, kissing him fervently and urgently, as if he’s making up for all the time they lost by being absolutely oblivious to each other. They’re gasping into each other’s mouths, hands wandering, desperately clutching at anywhere they can reach. Jean shrugs off his brown jacket, followed by his harness, and then his shirt. </p><p>The feel of Jean’s muscular body under his fingertips makes his hands tingle. He has a slight sheen of sweat over his well-built frame, but Eren doesn’t mind. He wants to explore him more, the man he thinks about every morning when he wakes up and every night as he falls asleep. Jean pulls away to nip at Eren’s collarbone while he grabs the hem of the grey-green shirt Eren’s always wearing, and pushes it up, finding new territory. </p><p>“You’ve no idea how much I’ve wanted this,” he groans. “That day, at the outpost… I really wanted to do this to you. I was scared that you’ll hate me or think I’m stupid after seeing me so vulnerable, and I was too afraid to tell you what I really think of you...”</p><p>“I know, I’ve wanted this too,” Eren whispers in a breathy moan, and he just starts laughing out of nowhere. “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I barged in on my best friend making out with my Captain.” </p><p>The mood’s completely ruined, but Jean doesn’t actually mind. He laughs along too, pressing his forehead to Eren’s. </p><p>“You’re literally so <em> dense </em>, and I can’t believe I like that about you.”</p><p>“I can’t believe you like me at all, actually.”</p><p>“I don’t <em> like </em> you, Eren Jaeger, I <em> love </em>you.”</p><p>Those words replay over and over again in Eren’s head, as he climbs into Jean’s bunk that night and falls asleep in his tight embrace.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>EDIT 2: [@GaffreyStark translated my fic to Chinese, and I'm literally stunned by how good the writing is. Not gonna lie, after reading it, I feel like the Chinese descriptions are even better than the English version in my own original fic, and I, a 100% Chinese person, could definitely not write at this standard. Words cannot express how impressed and grateful and /honoured/ I am that someone would even bother translating my fic at all. Here's the link if you're Chinese (or half Chinese or you just love Google Translate) and you wanna read this fic in Chinese！(Trust me, it's better.) https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073263 Once again, thank you so much, I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate the time and effort put into this translated version. Much love.]</p><p>wow okay this was just a whole bunch of words that i spent nights writing i'm pretty sure there's a bunch of errors and i'm not used to writing in present tense asdfghjkl author's not v coherent sorry</p><p>i'm actually quite a big jearmin stan too so this broke my little jearmin heart ugh </p><p>rivarmin's the side ship but it's pretty SAUCY </p><p>i'm sorry i love watching eren embarrass himself in front of jean </p><p>also somewhere in the story there's a quote about about a good horse not eating twice from a grass patch or something and i don't know if such a saying actually exists in english bc i kind of translated it from a saying in my native tongue (好马不吃回头草) </p><p>i'll also probably come back to this fic and keep readjusting and editing it, it's a really bad habit of mine to publish and then edit and edit and re-edit</p><p>comments give me life</p><p>now that i'm done w this fic imma head back to my half done armin drawing, if you've read this far ilysm congratulations and kudos for sitting through all this mumble jumble</p><p>edit:: --&gt; next work in this series is this fic from Jean's point of view!! i think it's just bc eren can be a tiny bit oblivious and i wanted to show everything from Jean's pov plus his heart to heart talk with armin gets featured!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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